Big confession: One of the hardest things for me to do is to forgo the temptation to allow other’s mistakes to justify my own failings. If it shows up anywhere, it shows up in marriage. Lucky Jeff! He and I had a crazy busy weekend that predictably ended with a fight over getting the dishes done. Clearly a life or death matter! Given that we were both tired, I would offer that we each made decisions that were informed by our fatigue. Unfortunately, my way of coping with things when I’m tired is probably the most aggressive which often sets off our typical pattern. I get in his face, he withdraws, and we limp along in silence until we have the courage to pursue some sort of active resolution. Hours, days or maybe even a week later. Ouch! This time, I put our silent evening to an early death by hitting the hay.
It was upon waking the next morning that the haze began to clear. It’s amazing what a little sleep can do. In my morning clarity, I had to admit that failing to wash the dishes was not in fact a critical incident. In fact there are people who live healthy and vital lives with a sink full of dirty dishes. Not only was I recognizing that a clean kitchen was not a quintessential lovely household attribute, but at least one part of me was willing to admit that perhaps I had been a little difficult. This admission of guilt hesitantly emerged amidst residual chatter of bitter rantings regarding his "clear" transgressions.
This time, unlike many other times, I made the active decision to attempt to own only what was mine and to leave his possible transgressions between him and God. His potential wrong-doing in no way negated my poor behavior and nobody could own that but me. Dang it! And so I bit my tongue and confessed something like, “I know you were tired and I can understand that you may not have been up to doing the dishes. I was tired too, but I expressed that in an unkind way and I am sorry.” The quietness that followed was filled with the temptation to sneak a little critical dig in, but I didn’t. I left it alone and waited. A couple tears rolled down my cheek and my husband turned to me and hugged me with a hug that trumped all other hugs. His sweatshirt felt soft, his body felt strong, (Look out Harlequin Romance!) and I was filled with love. The reward of reconciliation far surpassed the indulgence of keeping score and I was sold on the idea of forgiveness.
“Those with good sense are slow to anger, and it is to their glory to overlook an offense.” Proverbs 19:11
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