The Cruise Ship Baby and His Speed Boat Momma

The sun was warm.  The breeze blew mild.  The air felt fresh.  We sat on a bench, my four-year-old and I.  Having succumbed to his request to "watch the water," we marveled at the spontaneity of the fountain as we enjoyed a shared moment together.  Shooting out of the ground with little to no warning, sometimes the fountain danced with dramatic flair, high into the sky.  Other times, it hovered low to the ground.  Jonas squealed with delight as he settled his keen eyes on the choreographed wonder.  After several minutes of being entertained, I offered, "Are you ready to go?"  to which Jonas responded, "Can we watch two more times?"  I checked my watch.  I told him, "Sure!  We can watch two more times but then we should go."  He agreed.  We watched.  We assigned familial titles to the spurts of water.  "Whoa!! Now that's a big daddy fountain!"  Jonas giggled as he assigned new names to different spouts.  After "two times," he jumped up.  We headed for the escalator.  No trouble.  No tantrums.  Great conversation ensued as we made our way to the car.  I couldn't help but notice.  Such a nice time together.  What made the difference?  I'm pretty sure the difference was me.  I slowed down.  Left margins.  Gave him time to transition.  Let him feel heard. 

As a working mom, I am forever tempted to trample my kids under foot.  These little people who flourish in the rain of gentle playfulness, who do much better with a more tender rhythm find themselves subjected to my governing sense of urgency.  They don't do so well with my constant bark that testifies yet again, to the fact that we are running late.  The image of a speed boat came to mind.  I race to and fro attempting to manage the breadth of responsibilities that weigh so heavy upon me.  And yet, I am reminded.  My little side-kick isn't as speedy as I am.  Resembling more of a cruise ship, his turns are slow and the party isn't somewhere else.  It's right where he is.  

My Home is Wall-Papered with Good Intentions

Ok... so I'm always on the lookout for a blog or two that will validate that "working mom" is in fact a valid mothering category.  A blog that will concede and maybe even embrace that there are many women, in fact the majority of mothers, who both have careers AND are fully invested in the precious role of loving and raising children, even if it doesn't include scrapbooking.  If I had a dollar, scratch that... a nickel... for every blog written about/for/by homeschooling, crafting, stay-at-home moms, I could, at least, consider quitting my job.  But for those of us who both work and mother, the supportive resources can be quite skimpy.  

I giggled today when I ran across workingmother.blogspot.com.  Eureka!  A working mom blog!!  I eagerly poured over the website to discover a whopping two entries, 8/26/2001 and 9/2/2001.  Of course that is what you would find at a working mom's blog!  No time to write. The poor woman had enough heart to design the blog but only made it through two entries before calling it quits.  I have to say, as a working mom blogger whose words are few and far between (or at least far between...), workingmother.blogspot.com, your words (or rather lack thereof) brought comfort to my heart!  You  are familiar with the working mom's dilemma.  You know what it feels like to straddle the gap between all that we'd like to be and the reality of what can happen in a given day.  Thank you, WorkingMother.blogspot.com!  I owe ya one!

A Working Mom’s Home

 “The faint sent of lavender linen water – lavishly sprinkled on the sheets at the time they were ironed – floated in the upstairs hallway like a half-remembered dream” (From Saving CeeCee HoneyCut)

 Peculiar and unfamiliar words to the working mom in survival mode.  Lavendar linen water?  Ironed sheets?  Not in my house.  On the contrary, if I can just do enough laundry to ensure we all get to wear clean underwear, then "Shazam!" I’ve conquered the world of domesticity.

Even though my life is marked by infrequently changed bed sheets and frozen lasagnas for dinner, something in my heart lept as I read many of the warm images captured in this novel dripping in southern hospitality.  I was drawn in by many cozy feelings while simultaneously hard-pressed to reconcile the outrageous gap between this world and mine.  A gap created not only by the pressures of time, but by poverty of imagination, as well.

 

I am reminded of what the human body does in an emergency situation.  It’s in fight or flight mode that the body begins to shut down the so-called peripheral operations to maintain and preserve critical functioning such as that of the heart and lungs.  I can’t help but think that the fight or flight mentality of contemporary busyness has done something similar to my life.  I calculate my limited resources to ensure that homework is done, tummies are full, and we all wear fresh undies.  And yet something is clearly lost.  Something that I miss.  A sense of frivolity that allows me to be creative and playful in my home.  Maybe it’s cooking a new dish with fresh ingredients or simply doing some deep cleaning. Possibly, I would find it in simply sitting under a blanket fort, eating popcorn and swapping ghost stories with my kids.  

As I’ve taken some time to reflect on my life, I’ve begun to ask, how can we, as a busy family, bring some balance to our lives so that we don’t miss the joys of being fully alive in all that we do?   Just because I’m a working mom, while I may not be able to sustain some of the habits and routines of my stay-at-home buddies, do I have to give up completely?  The recent feelings I have encountered tell me I better not.

While I clearly don’t see the daily aroma of fresh-baked cinnamon rolls or salad straight from my garden in the near future, (Bummer!) I do believe that even our active household could take some baby steps.  I think it would start with our imaginations.  What kinds of things are important to us as we seek to make this space called a house, our home? 

Hats off to Elasti-girl

It was just a typical week.  No different than any other week.  Not harder than the week before and maybe easier than next week.  

A quick trip to soccer sign ups turned into a 2-hour affair complete with trips home for more documentation, three-year-old tantrums, lost shot records, and snarky phone conversations with my husband punctuated with a fussy baby soundtrack.  

A friend’s quick stop to pick up her kids from school became a baby possum in the wheel well, laying in the street in a dress, and a 30-minute wait for animal control. 

A casual attempt to go to church without my husband became a hesitant 3-year-old joining me in service, a hungry baby beckoning me back to the nursery, and a miscommunication with my older daughter necessitating a trip across the street mid-service.  I had three different seats, five phone calls, three texts, and one large booger handed to me, all in the course of 75 minutes.  Did I worship?  That's probably not what I would call it! : )

In moments like these, plans are suspended, expectations are challenged, and frustration tries to take hold.  Things aren’t going my way.  I sense a tantrum coming on.  This is not what I had in mind!  

My mind turns to Elasti-girl.  I think if I could have any special ability, I’d want hers.  How dramatically, could a big dose of flexibility completely transform my parenting?  As I reflect, I conclude that perhaps a secret to good parenting lies in this special trait.      

Any mom knows that there is nothing spectacular or unusual about these anecdotes.  Kids vomiting, dinner burning, missing shoes or jackets, lost homework, miscommunications, sibling squabbles, car trouble, sick babysitters, and the list goes on and on.  Us moms aren’t strangers to any wild concoction of any number of inconveniences and unwanted surprises.   Just like stretching can increase flexibility, my question is, what can I do to become a more flexible mom?  I’ve begun to construct a list and I know there’s room for more.  What do you think? 

1. Anticipate challenges. They aren’t the exception, they’re actually more often the rule.  Life often doesn’t go as planned.  How might more realistic expectations help?
2. Plan for challenges.  If challenges are likely to show up, maybe we should start leaving some space for the unexpected instead of lining up our days with back to back commitments. 
3. Maintain a sense of humor.  As we begin to leave space for snags, there’s also space to laugh.
4. Engage the flow of what life gives you, not what it doesn’t.  I actually discovered a fun time of bonding and twirling and giggling with my baby boy on the side of the road while AAA changed my flat tire the other day.  Even with a bolt in my tire, it turned out that there were treasures to be found.
5. Breathe deeply and let go. 
6. Practice gratitude.  Each day, even the hectic ones, are a gift from God.

A Slacker Day

In reflecting on my day, there are many things I didn’t do…  I didn’t go to the gym (Slacker!).  I didn’t fold the piles of laundry that suffocate my sofa.  I didn’t clean the house.  I didn’t take the much-needed trip to Costco.  I didn’t even wash a single dish all day.  All potential visitors to my home, please take note: B.Y.O.H. (Bring your own Hazmat suit).  

So if I did not do any of the above, what exactly did I do?  I stayed in my jammies until well past noon, read a book, had a picnic in the backyard with my kids, thought before reacting when my son began to tantrum in the grocery store, and perhaps best of all, I made eye contact with my kids when they spoke.  

As moms we have to make so many tough choices.  Each day, and maybe each moment, calls for something different.  Every choice carries with it benefits and drawbacks. Today is no different.  I chose to let a lot slide.  On the downside, I won’t be starting out my week with a clean house or a stocked pantry.  On the upside, can I tell you how great it feels to start out the week feeling connected to my kids and free from regrets.

Restore to Original Factory Settings

Have you ever found yourself wishing for a do-over?  Like maybe if you could go back in time, you could do a few things better and eliminate some unwanted consequences.  Given some of the challenges of this past year, I found myself entertaining the notion of a do-over.  Well, I just got one.  Though not exactly what I had in mind.  Due to factors far beyond my ability to comprehend, a standard update to my iPhone became instead, a “restore to original factory settings.”  Given my prior ineptness at “synching,”  I got an iPhone do-over.  Translation: I lost all my contacts, notes, aps, photos, and calendar appointments.  I get to start ALL over.

As I sit here re-entering contacts, tracking down important photos, RE-recording voice mail, setting up Facebook and email and... (trust me, the list goes on and on),  I can’t help but wonder.  When it comes to life do-overs, do I really want one, even if I could have one? As it turns out, in a do-over, you don’t necessarily get to pick and choose.  You do it ALL over.  And as I’m discovering, doing it ALL over is a BUNCH of hard work.  I think when I say I want a do-over, what I really want is to do over only those things that have left me in a lurch and retain those things in my life that have wrought positive consequences.  Using a parade metaphor, it seems as though I wish I could have the ponies but not the crap.

As I approach the New Year and the chance to make my own fresh starts, I confess that in spite of overwhelming evidence to the fantasy nature of my wish, it still remains somewhat intact.  I would like to eliminate all discomfort AND keep all the good stuff.  I would wish the same for you, too. However, I’m coming to terms with the fact that life is a mixture of a lot of things, and it’s kind of a package deal.  Settling into this place of acceptance, I’ve begun to wonder, if I can’t have a pick and choose do-over then what can I have?

Instead of living with a sense of regret, I can ask God for the grace to learn all that He has for me in life’s challenges.  There is redemption to be found in our struggles as we embrace wisdom and new insights.  I can ask God for mercy to sustain me when things get extra tough.  I can pursue gratitude as I ask God to give me eyes to see beyond my challenges and to truly appreciate the countless gifts in my life.  I can be generous with myself.  I guess it’s ok and probably even better  to recognize and even celebrate what I feel I have done well.   If I allow myself to be honest, beyond my Mr. Bean moments, my life is also marked by goodness.  Decisions I’ve made that have brought wonderful things into my life.

And so for now, this is where I land.  As we all settle in to 2011, may you know the extravagant mercy of God which redeems, sustains, and forgives.  Blessings to you as you move forward in the New Year.

P.S. And if you have an iPhone, for heaven's sake, learn how to synch!!