Keeping track of 80 Nails

I was on my way to my sister’s bridal shower last week. Driving in the car, I happened to glance down at my daughter’s feet to notice extra-long toenails decorated with bits of polish here and there – the vestiges of a once pretty pedicure complete with nail art. Peering down at her feet, I was at first bummed. I had done my best to pull together pretty dresses for the party, but had neglected to take note of fingernails and toenails. I think fingernails and toenails fall into the same category as the inner ear. Those pesky little, easy to forget areas that haunt me on the way to doctors’ appointments, school, and parties. They incite frantic and racing thoughts… “When was her last bath? … I thought I just clipped his nails?” In spite of clean clothes and combed hair, long crooked fingernails with a “dirt French manicure” as we refer to it in our house, let the cat out of the bag. They are those little confessions of hygiene transgression that let others know that we are not quite as on top of things as I would love to be. After reflecting for a moment on the daggers at the end of my daughter’s toes, I began to laugh. I often wonder why I’m so busy. Her nails served as a microcosm for expanding responsibilities. Instead of life back in the day when I only had to worry about my own 10 fingernails and 10 toenails, my responsibilities have expanded to include 80 total nails of which I must keep track. I reflected… If something as benign and silly as fingernails has expanded 400-fold to become such an unmanageable task, what does this tell me about keeping up with life in general? No wonder I always feel like I’m running after the last train that has just left town!

A Trip to the Beach

I recently read the following quote in reference to the marital relationship: “Think of your relationship as the emotional environment in which your kids live. Just as you want them to breathe clean air and drink pure water, you want them to grow up in a loving atmosphere” (Parents magazine, June 2008, p. 108).
We woke up the other morning with the whole day ahead of us. It was a summer holiday and my husband had the day off from work. The sun was shining and it was sure to be a beautiful day! It was Friday which meant a hiatus from swim lessons and summer school. I felt like a little kid in the candy store frantically attempting to discern the best way to use this little gem. The reality is that both my husband and I were tired and an ideal day for us would have been to alternate between lounging around the house and getting a few things done, while our children enjoyed a movie marathon. However, in spite of our fatigue, we made the decision to head to the beach with the kids. We knew that they would enjoy a family outing. Or would they?
Because we pressed ourselves when we didn’t really have it in us, in many ways, our efforts seemed to backfire. Between packing a picnic lunch, loading the car, and stopping by the store for some drinks and ice, the marital bickering was at an all-time high. Silly things of no consequence seduced us into sabotaging the day before it even started. A little bit of traffic and our inability to agree on a radio station left us tense. Despite my efforts to adopt the mantra “a harsh word stirs up anger but a gentle word turns away wrath,” I found myself baiting my poor husband at every turn. Although the day provided some nice weather and time away, as we sat in the nasty traffic for the trip home, I began to decide that we had made a bad choice by dragging our sorry butts to the beach. As I sunk my teeth into that sentiment, my ears tuned into the back seat where I heard my two daughters giggling and playing games. With sibling rivalry having been at an all-time high as of late, the sounds brought pure joy to my heart. Even though we were sitting in traffic, the extra time for the two of them created some space for sisterly bonding. I revisited my initial thought and came to a new conclusion. Life is often very mixed and this day was no different. While some aspects of our day felt like a train wreck, others felt like a pure gift and I guess that’s okay. While I can say that I don’t think I regret our day anymore, it did hold within it a little lesson. I want to give my kids everything, but if I give them everything at the expense of my husband and I running ourselves ragged, I can make a big mistake. I can fail to give them one of the most precious gifts that we have to offer and that is the gift of growing up in a loving atmosphere. I guess that means that my husband and I have to take our own thoughts, feelings, and limitations into consideration. On some days, that may even mean saving the beach for another day.

I was listening to a CD today which mentioned Thorndike’s Law of Effect. Thorndike’s initial law stated that people will repeat behavior when it is followed by pleasurable consequences and that people will discontinue behavior that is followed by negative consequences. The CD stated that Thorndike eventually dropped the second part of his stated law because he found that while people might temporarily suspend behaviors that are followed by negative consequences, the cessation of these behaviors is not permanent. The conclusion was that punishment suppresses behavior but does not eliminate it altogether.
Obviously, as one who thinks often about parenting, I reflected on this brief comment in light of my own strategies with my kids. While I think punishment can be sufficient for those behaviors that we are happy to temporarily suppress, it cannot be the bread and butter of our parenting strategies. Beyond temporarily suppressing unwanted behaviors, I clearly want so much more for my kids. I guess this requires that I get a bit more creative. While grounding, time-outs, and loss of privileges may be simple and straight-forward strategies, they are insufficient to shape the heart of a child. Recognizing the limitations of punishment reminds me to be thoughtful when I confront my kids’ misbehavior. Especially in the heat of the moment when I am tempted to use a display of anger as a way to curb unwanted behaviors, Thorndike’s observations remind me to ask myself, “How far will my reaction really get me?”

Life is a Projective Test

All of life is a projective test for my son which reveals the true essence of what is in his heart: cars, bugs, and creatures that growl. His propensity for identifying all of the above in the world around him was made all the more impressive yesterday when I served him his juice in a hand-me-down pink sippy cup adorned with a picture of Cinderella. In spite of the overwhelmingly feminine theme of the cup, much to my surprise, he pointed to it and began to growl. Upon closer inspection, who would have guessed that the scalloping flow of the princess’s dress actually does look like a crocodile mouth and teeth? Even I could see it (with a little assistance from my husband).
Since my son’s arrival into our lives nearly two years ago, I have often been amazed to discover that I live a life surrounded by cars and bugs, of which, before him, I had little to no awareness. The other day, we took a short trip to K-mart so that I could pick up an anniversary card (my husband and I recently celebrated 13 years… I’m kind of uneasy with the idea that my marriage has become a teenager. I am hoping it doesn’t start acting out!) We couldn’t take two steps in any direction without my son yelling, “Car-car, car-car, car-car!” From piñatas to graduation gifts to a miniscule image of a car parked on the street behind a picture of a pop-up awning on a 5-inch label 10 feet away… We were surrounded by cars. Being with Jonas on a five-minute trip into the store was kind of like when you break up with your boyfriend in high school and then you discover just how many people drive his same car or one quite like it. Everywhere we went, we were barraged with images of cars.
Amazed with Jonas’ visual acuity when it comes to cars and other slimy creatures, my afternoon with my son got me thinking. What would it be like to have eyes that were so acutely attuned to see God’s blessings? Prior to Jonas, I lived amongst numerous motorcycles and images of creatures that growl, and yet I did not realize it. I began to wonder, how many countless gifts from God do I fail to recognize though they surround me in abundance? For Jonas, even common everyday objects reveal resemblances to crocodiles because his mind is so fixed on these things. Could I, too, begin to see even the tinier, less perceptible traces of God’s grace that surround me each day? I wonder…

Longing for Silence

Today the introverts teamed up against the extroverts (thanks to the ingenius strategy of my five-year-old, who also happens to be one of the introverts). We were on a family outing to the movies, and seemingly out of the blue, she suggested the following alliance: “Dad, you and I are going to be on the same team, ok? And our magical ability will be to shoot big apples at Jillian and Mommy that land in their mouths so that they can’t talk. They will be big and green and they will be stuck so they can’t take them out!”