I decided this week that I am so over my kids bickering and fighting. Deep into summer break, I was beginning to feel as though, every time I turned around a new dispute was breaking out. On one incessantly petty morning, I decided to take a stand. Fortunately, I have been studying for the EPPP (Exam for the Professional Practice of Psychology) and was prepared with an influx of arsenal for addressing unwanted behaviors. At the first sign of conflict, empowered by my options, I was ready for battle. Call me over-zealous, if you must, but I decided to use them all. The poor little humans had no chance against me. I mixed a batch of “Oh No Not Today” that was complete with over-correction, re-direction, interval time sampling, seasoned with natural and logical consequences and a pinch of paradoxical intervention. I finished it off with an empathy glaze which allowed it to sound far less sinister than it might have been. In a nutshell, it went something like this: “This fighting isn’t going to fly. I realize that it isn’t always easy to get along, but this is the deal: I don’t want to hear it. I need you to fight quieter. In fact, when you fight and I have to hear it, it zaps all my energy. So much so, that all I am able to do is lay on the couch while you clean the house.” All disbelieving eyes were on me. Even the sing-songy voice could not conceal the threat of chores. I capped off my statement with a friendly effort to redirect their attention. I asked them if they would like to help me make some special breakfast. I got one taker. I figured this would also address the possible role of low-blood sugar in all of our problems. It was 10 a.m. and we had yet to eat breakfast. All in all, I have to say, I was actually quite pleased with my intervention. I didn’t raise my voice and yet I clearly got their attention.
After conveying my intent to take a serious stand against fighting, I decided to also log their behavior to attempt to determine just how big of a problem this fighting thing had become. After a brief period of documenting their every move which began to feel like a big fat waste of time, I decided to move to interval sampling. I would set the alarm for an hour and document their behavior on the hour. Not only could I inventory their fighting, but I could utilize the “catch them being good” technique to encourage positive behavior as well.
In spite of the pride I felt over my strategic intervention, I am here to confess that the truly profound discipline that took place on this particular morning was not with the children but with the mind of the mother. A strange thing happened as I began to tune into their behavior and take inventory. Much to my surprise, I quickly realized that I had been neglecting to notice the abundant episodes of peace and cooperation that my children share with each other. More difficult to log than the conflict would have been to attempt to document every episode of giggling, imaginative play, kindness, playful wrestling, and even (dare I say it) sharing! This notion of catching them being good – was far more profound of a corrective for me than it was for them. I began to realize that my negative reaction to their conflicts had caused me to severely over-estimate their frequency. I was under the impression that my kids “fight all the time” and I wasn’t noticing the ample evidence that testified to quite the opposite: my kids enjoy many moments of shared friendship.
As I write, it’s several days past this insight-provoking morning and my new appreciation for my kids and their relationship remains intact. Of course there have been squabbles, but it seems like my ability to tolerate them has improved. Even if, from time to time, I offer with surprising effectiveness, “Should I get out the vacuum?”
After conveying my intent to take a serious stand against fighting, I decided to also log their behavior to attempt to determine just how big of a problem this fighting thing had become. After a brief period of documenting their every move which began to feel like a big fat waste of time, I decided to move to interval sampling. I would set the alarm for an hour and document their behavior on the hour. Not only could I inventory their fighting, but I could utilize the “catch them being good” technique to encourage positive behavior as well.
In spite of the pride I felt over my strategic intervention, I am here to confess that the truly profound discipline that took place on this particular morning was not with the children but with the mind of the mother. A strange thing happened as I began to tune into their behavior and take inventory. Much to my surprise, I quickly realized that I had been neglecting to notice the abundant episodes of peace and cooperation that my children share with each other. More difficult to log than the conflict would have been to attempt to document every episode of giggling, imaginative play, kindness, playful wrestling, and even (dare I say it) sharing! This notion of catching them being good – was far more profound of a corrective for me than it was for them. I began to realize that my negative reaction to their conflicts had caused me to severely over-estimate their frequency. I was under the impression that my kids “fight all the time” and I wasn’t noticing the ample evidence that testified to quite the opposite: my kids enjoy many moments of shared friendship.
As I write, it’s several days past this insight-provoking morning and my new appreciation for my kids and their relationship remains intact. Of course there have been squabbles, but it seems like my ability to tolerate them has improved. Even if, from time to time, I offer with surprising effectiveness, “Should I get out the vacuum?”
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